Parents

I have too many Parents.

Seriously.

There is George; my biological Father of whom i share very little commonalities with.

And Kim; my biological Mother, who i look like and love, but share no real, tangible, interests with. Whom i see quite infrequently, and who has priority of her own life above all. A great aspect of her character.

Then there is Thane; A man who has been an in and out father figure in my life for seven years now: A presence not always there, but willing and ready to be around at the drop of a pin. I believe i dropped "Mr.Merritt" for "Dad" about the same time i began realizing just how off my parents really are.

With Thane comes Martha; that 'whop you upside the head if you are being stupid' mom figure. Her hard exterior is impenetrable, but her love for her children is immense, and something you can grip in the air.

And above all there is David; Father of my best friends, and brothers in every spectrum except that of blood, Evan and Sean. A man whose silent wisdom, and witty remarks, make me look up to him. Make me, despite blood and societal belief of family, consider him the closest thing i have ever had to a father in my lifetime so far. David's wife, Nancy, is in the same boat. From her knowledge on all things not technological, to her coining of the phrase "tippy tap" in replacement for texting, she has been more than hospitable. What a lovely woman. Someone i am proud to call mom.

In light of the holidays i had the pleasure to see every parent on my list, and i can say i enjoyed their company. It was wonderful, despite the bad news.

Merry Christmas everyone!

On to 2012!

I Quit

I am mad at the world.

This is why i live in books.

This is why i refuse to make the time,

This is why i won't even spare it a look.

I am infuriated with people.

That is why i made my own.

That is why i took innitiative,

That is why i have so uncommonly grown.

I am respectably resigning.

From the people.

From the world,

From the sour taste of dreams left crippled.

Family

When i look at it, my siblings, the ones who came from the same mother and share my blood, and I are so different that it's scary. Put the three of us in line with someone who doesn't know any of us three and they would have no indication that we are all related. We don't look alike, we all have lived very separate lives, near completely void of the company of each others company, and i don't believe i have ever had one of those outings where it was just us, no other party. Though they may have, as i am nearly eleven years younger.

Sad fact indeed, but i believe that, had we been as close as the normal siblings, that our inevitable split would have been a factor in my life that would have left me a changed person. Therefore not who i am now, a person who i am happy with.

Rarely do i think of my immediate family in more than a "they exist and are my family therefore i love them" aspect. As i don't recall ever being entirely close to any of them to a point of being open with myself completely; besides my grandmother. Honestly, i have extended periods of time where i get so consumed in my own life and going-ons that i completely space that i have siblings who are linked to me by blood. But when i remember it's a great feeling. Knowing that, though i call some friends brother and sister, i have real, tangible, genetic siblings who love me. 

And yet, somehow, it is a terrible burden to bear.

An interesting aspect though. I have no idea how people with siblings who share the same parents stay in contact after juvenile life. I have no knowledge as to the basic dealing of family life except a few tidbits with a family not my own. It is a subject that fascinates me and peaks my highest interest. In my mind i imagine family life to be a wonderful irritation. 

Let me specify that last statement.

It seems like living in a household with a mother, father, and siblings would be a happy thing. Speaking around the dinner table, having schedules, events, check ups, and a caring environment is what most people in modern society strive for. Yet i think having the restrictions of a loving family would drive me mad. I am, in common phrase, a free spirit. I also preform most of my social activities from eight pm to two am, as that is when my body feels most awake. (I'm nocturnal by nature) And this is something i am very aware is not tolerated in normal households.

So, reflecting back, I realize part of my body strives for the love and warmth of a family environment, but my spirit and mind flourish in this unrestricted freedom i have gained. Maybe my instinctual sadness at not being close to my family will one day fade.

And that loss of weight may very well allow me to fly.

One Word: Beauty

"Describe yourself in one word."

Of all the commands i received while attending High School, describing myself

in just one word was probably the most difficult to adhere to. I often found 

myself at a loss when i received this 'assignment', scrawling down random

words that had shot across my mind in that moment, and choosing one.

But now that i think back on it, i don't believe i ever chose a word that really 

describe myself. This being because the most accurate way of describing

a person takes more than one word, that or befuddled, as that is 

what most people are when attempting to answer to the 

command. So i decided, to start my e-blogging career, 

i would describe myself in one sentence:

'A different kind of beauty.'

Now, before your mind veers off into a cornucopia of different versions of, "this woman is obviously conceited." hear me out:

In today's modern society beauty is something that can 'get you places'. of course, normally that refers to outward beauty and a stunning set of teeth. In my short life, i would like to believe that i have 'gotten places', in comparison to some of my, less motivated, peers. But! I have not achieved what i have managed to acquire through beauty and a nice smile. I have achieved it through a diligent amount of stubbornness, Indecisive thought processes, and an incredible amount of luck.

Which chimes in a different kind of beauty. I believe, in my own little world, that people are beautiful for only their faults. That, had we not been scarred, traumatized, and abused, that we would indeed be repulsive. We would be identical. Thinking, acting, and responding like robots. Frankly, a world such as that frightens me to my core.

I'm actually quite glad to be Koda, more daughter to a family not of my own blood than of my own, with scars and tribulations running ramped down my chest.

I am happy to be composed of a different kind of beauty.